Why Adopt?

Shock. Incredulity. Blank stares. Quizzical eyebrows. Rueful headshakes. Murmurs of sympathy. Pointed questions about our mental health.

These are some of the common reactions we get from people -- people of all ages, backgrounds, and family situations -- when we tell them we are adopting a third child to go with the two biological children we already have. When we go on to tell them that we hope to adopt a fourth child as well at some point in the future, they occasionally lose control of their bodily functions.

So there seems to be a question on the minds of some: why adopt, when you already have children and things are getting easier as they get older?

Before I try to answer that question, let me first assure you that no matter what you are thinking, Allison and I are not good people.

Wait, let me walk that back slightly.

Allison is great. A beautiful and generous soul. She really is, as most of you know without my having to tell you.

I, on the other hand, am the kind of guy who gets up on the surly, cantankerous, pessimistic, misanthropic side of the bed every single morning, and things generally go downhill from there. At our last family gathering, I managed to call my sister stupid and she cried for an hour. I'm the kind of guy that gets flustered and angry when there's too many sheets of paper on a particular section of the kitchen counter, but can't seem to do anything about it. My children roll their eyes at me a lot. My in-laws think I am either autistic, or deathly allergic to talking to them. People often think I don't like them, for no reason at all. Sometimes they're right.

So, suffice it to say, we are not adopting a child because we think it's such a Swell Thing To Do, or because We Can't Wait To Give a Precious Home to an Orphan Boy.

That's ancillary.

The truth is, we are selfish -- when you get right down to it, about as selfish as it's possible for a human to be. We want more kids, we don't want to birth them, so we're just going to go out into the world and pick one and say "that one's ours, thank you very much, we're taking him home now." We're not asking his opinion on the subject beforehand, either. We're just going to do it. And we'll probably make him load the dishwasher and mow the lawn and put away his socks, just like we do our bio kids.

I make this point, because many peoples' first reaction, on hearing that we are adopting, is one of watery-eyed, hands-over-heart appreciation for what must certainly be our unspeakable generosity, our touching selflessness, to take a child out of a difficult situation and give him a home and a family.

Screw that. We want another kid. End of story.

I'll grant you that all that other stuff is nice, and it's not like we don't appreciate the significance, but it's not why we got into this. The fairly constant implication that that is why we got into this frankly drives us a bit batty.

You may have heard this before, but the simple fact is that life is short. Unutterably, unconscionably, sometimes brutally short. Within the brief span of your lifetime, you will be presented with very few opportunities to bring someone into your life with whom you will have a deep, abiding, practically unshakable bond. Someone with whom you can share your daily life, your home, your idiosyncrasies and peccadilloes, your irrational fears and indescribable habits, your favorite thoughts and books and foods and jokes, your highs and lows and in-betweens. In short, someone with whom you can share your whole being, and who will share theirs with you. I think most of us can count on one hand, at the most both hands, the number of times we have that opportunity. Despite their rarity, I have never failed to benefit from, to prosper from, to grow profoundly as a result of, the few such relationships I've been granted. Why wouldn't I want more of them?

The great spiritual leaders of history would tell you that we overlook opportunities to develop those kinds of relationships every day of our lives, simply because we are not open enough or wise enough to recognize them all around us. But I think I've made clear that I am not one of the great spiritual leaders of history. I'm more of a pudgy crank with a noticeable and pronounced lack of social graces.

People such as myself need to take more drastic measures.

Others probably have better reasons to adopt, certainly more noble ones. But the end result is much the same, and it's the end result we're all after -- more people to love, and be loved by in return.

There might also be the bit about overpopulation and producing more of something the world already has plenty of, a plenty that needs homes and families as it is. But I prefer the loving and sharing thing.

Now go away and leave me alone.